Trust vs. Love

It has been slowly dawning on me.....I have trust issues.
That's no surprise really....too many bouts of legalism and rounds of rejection will do that to a gal.

People really can't be trusted ....can we? But not all people are completely un-trust-worthy.  Just some are.... honestly we all know at least one......those people where sometimes, you can't trust them.
Put a different way.....some people shouldn't be trusted most of the time.

The end result, of my "several rounds" with folks/groups of folks that I trusted with my heart/life and they turned out not to deserve that trust.....well.....it's affected how I trust God. (Discernment, and my lack of it in the past....well...that is another blog waiting to be written)

Round three. And the bell rang, LOUD and clear. She was down for the count!! Will, she get up again?

Oh look, there she is....staggering to her feet. Stumbling out of the ring. Walking shakily through the door. Time for a time out she says (her doctor said so too) ....she doesn't want to play....anymore..... for awhile at least....

When she comes too and her head clears a bit...she has her doubts about trust. Can you blame her?

Trust God eh? About what? Can't ask and hope for a trouble free life. That's a fairy-tale that's not goin' happen.

And so she goes to prayer. Cause she really does want to trust in her God. He has been there all along. In her corner. He isn't a human. He's gotta be trust worthy....but she needs to know how to trust again....and so she prays.....asks for help.....and what starts out as a written prayer turns into this.....

Dear Lord,
In my out-loud-rant yesterday You heard me say....."I don't know how to trust God. What do I trust Him with? For what? If I say, think or feel that I should trust God to protect me from harm, pain and problems...well, that is a false hope!" Life is just a series of pain, problems and harm.

So, God what should I entrust to you? Or how do I trust in You?

That you are unchanging and heaven and my place in it, is real. Just read 1 Peter 1:9 "receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls" and I know I can trust you with that. But how do I continue to trust in your love for me. Especially when life presents one trial after another....43 years worth and I am not feeling the love right now.....

I guess Jesus could claim the same about His stint on earth.  Extremely humble birth, childhood and ministry all ending with rejection and a horrific death.

So somehow I need to trust, have faith and KNOW I am loved...even if I don't feel it.

This verse came to mind....."all things work together for good to those who trust God" So all things may not be good, but they work together for good. I can trust in that. Wait, do I have that verse right? Better look it up.

All things work together for good to them that LOVE God, to them that are called according to his purposes - Romans 8:28

And now I gotta ask....Do I LOVE you, God?

I seem to love myself to be sure. I would love a trouble free life.

Now I question "What is love?"

(and here's where the prayer turned into a "preach" between myself and God ......until I decided to blog it....haha)  

The world, our culture, would have us believe that love is fluffy, pink, sweet, cute and warm. But you take one look at your life and the people you claim to love and you see right off that love isn't usually those things.

Love is hard.
Love is work. It's hard work!
Love is denying yourself.
Love is picking up, showing up and serving up.
...when you don't want to....and you would rather be somewhere else.....doing something else.

Love does the impossible. It loves the unlovable. (ever witnessed a three year old throw a tantrum? how many times does a parent say "Good job, you're cute")

Love sees the mistakes, the faults, the shortcomings, the sin...and yet.....it keeps on extending grace, and acceptance, and friendship and love.

Love listens.
Love hugs.
Love cries.
Love smiles through those tears.
Love laughs...in spite of itself.
Love cooks, and cleans, and picks those things up for the hundredth, thousandth time.
Love chides, encourages, brags, scolds.
Love doesn't always say "yes"...sometimes it must say "no"
Love will batter your heart one time and lift your spirit another.
Love hurts, deep down where it often doesn't show......and yet.....

Tomorrow.....tomorrow love will get up and do it all over again.

And so I realize that love is not one, but two things. Pain and Joy.

Yes, society would have you mistakenly think that love is teddy bears, chocolate and roses. But often love is sweat, work, tears and a whole pile of dying to yourself. And we have to agree that it's totally worth it....where would this world be without love?

Look what Jesus did for us. Blood, sweat and tears. And we can hardly claim to be worth it. That didn't matter. He did the cross anyways. And He would do it all over again, if He had to.

Why?
I have no idea.

Cause love, it's an unfathomable mystery.
A beautiful, deep, mystery full of grace and acceptance beyond understanding.

That Jesus would love-to-death sinners like us.
Sinners in all our full blown filth and corruption with the stench of death on us.

What did God see in us?
I have no idea.

But He sees a future that we can only wonder about. Eternity. That thing that happens when our soul leaves the shroud behind. The soul has to go somewhere...and before Jesus...before the cross....the choices were....well there were no choices...there was only one place and that was down. Into the pit. Hell.

But Jesus came and loved us like no one had ever loved us before and now we have a choice.

Acknowledge or deny.
Accept or refuse.
Repent or defy.

We can choose to respond to the greatest love this world will ever know and receive eternal acceptance that is "literally out-of-this-world".....an eternity in heaven with a God who loves us. 
Yes, US!! Can you believe it?

A God reaching out in love, morning after morning, day after day, year after thousands of years.

And He will do it again tomorrow. And the next day and the day after that...until Jesus returns.

Even so come Lord Jesus.
Amen.

After this prayer that turned into a preach.....I see the reason why I love this God of mine. I understand again why it is that I can trust Him with today, and tomorrow.
He's in my corner. He's got everything covered.
Even the pain....it's covered in His grace.
And once again.....I am thankful.

Kindness is free......

I appreciate words.  It's enjoyable to read them and work with them. I like how words can bless me, challenge me, teach me. They can make me laugh, cry and wonder. Books, blogs, stories, web-pages....there are no shortage to words these days.

This morning I read a bunch of words strung together that made me laugh out loud. A genuine laugh, the kind that is good for your health. And then I cried a little..... cause well, for me at least those words struck a chord.

The quote was in a comment below a touching, on-line, story about an adoptive family that had been blessed by a kind gesture from a stranger.

And for me...the comment, the string of words that made a sentence, kinda summed up life.

I must warn you that the quote includes a little, four, letter word. You must stop reading this blog if such words offend you.....

"Kindness is free... sprinkle that shit everywhere"

If laughter truly is the best medicine. Well, I had my dose for today. :)

Life has a bit of everything in it.

Pain, joy.

Gain, loss.

Laughter, tears.

Grief, kindness.

Order, chaos.

Love, hatred.

Happiness, sadness.

Worry, peace.

Abundance, lack.

Illness, health.

We each have a "plate" and to each of us all of the above will be served out to us at some point in our lives.

And when the "#!*@" hits the fan....and trust me it will......where would we be without kindness?

When it's our turn to have a dose of pain, loss, tears, worry, lack, illness, chaos, or grief......what is it that gets us through?

Kindness. Love. Grace.

Sometimes from strangers. Usually from those close to us.

But where ever it comes from ....it's what makes life bare-able.

I thank God for kindness.

And for the lady, pulling to a stop, who gave me friendly smile as I walked by.... for the new girl in town who doesn't know anyone.....well ......that smile warmed my soul.

I've had my fair share of trials the last while and what this quote....

 "Kindness is free... sprinkle that shit everywhere"  

...says to me......is stop focusing on your own pain. Everybody has pain. Share kindness instead...we all have to help each other get through this.

We don't always know who has what on their plate. But I wanna be the person that showers sprinkles of kindness on lives that come close to me.

Not the kind of love, joy, peace, happiness that is in denial of pain...but the kind that keeps sprinkling kindness in spite of the pain.

Does sprinkling kindness have to cost a lot of money? No.

Compliments. Hugs. Smiles. Emails. Facebook likes and comments.

Maybe the cost of a stamp, card, a piece of chocolate, bowl of soup, or a pot of spring flowers?

It doesn't mean having to spend a lot of money....but when it comes out of your own pain....it's not free I suppose....but it's more valuable. And appreciated.

And so I am especially grateful to those who have reached out to lighten my load while they were carrying heavy burdens themselves.

Guess that is what life is about. Guess that is what God's grace allows us to do.

Help others, spread kindness. Be the joy in an otherwise painful day.

And so I will leave you with this thoughtful quote that made me laugh through the pain of a bad headache.....

"Kindness is free... sprinkle that shit everywhere"  

Happy sprinkling!

Even if.....

Always been one to "count my blessings" even in the hard times. It's a good exercise and helps you see the silver lining.

But when a hard time lasts for awhile and has a ways to go yet? Counting blessings can become a drag.

It's even harder when you are discouraged.

Trying to look for blessings when you're in a black fog? It's tough! Like swimming up-stream and I don't even know how to swim!! . Makes my list not so much about my blessings but all the things that are going wrong. Sometimes that list seems longer than my blessing list.

That doesn't do much for lifting my spirits.

Had a devotional given to me called "Jesus Calling". It's real good, uplifting, helpful. Yesterday it had a line that hit me. I going to paraphrase it.  When life throws troubles at you, just whisper "I trust you, Jesus" and rest in the fact that He does know and will help you through it.

Thought that would be a great  line to start the New Year with. So I posted the words "I trust you, Jesus" in a few places around the house. Worked like a charm yesterday. Well, yesterday was a good day and to be honest I don't think I noticed the notes.

But today, it's been snowing for the third day in a row. You know how much work it is to move piles and piles of snow? I learned something new that I didn't know before. Snow blowers come in different sizes. Duh. Of course they do. And ours isn't Penetang size apparently. :(  Now it's clunking and banging and who knows how much longer it'll last. And winter is just starting.

Have you heard that our new house has a sieve for a basement? Yeah, so we really want to keep the snow away from the house so that come spring we don't have an indoor pool. The snow is already past my knees. How do we keep that much snow away from the house with a snow blower that is dying?

So today, while I listened to the clunking and banging of the snow blower.....my eyes fell on the post-it-note in the kitchen "I trust you, Jesus"   Right, trust in the troubles. Gotta do that.

Well, it was a long two hours listening to that "too-small-for-Penetang" snow blower labour it's way through today's snow offering. So it was a good job there was also a post-it-note in the dining room. And in the hallway. And in the washroom.

Trust in the hard times. This just-beginning-winter, watching the snow come down, realizing that it'll trickle (or gush) into the basement come spring and knowing that there is absolutely nothing that we can do until summer...well, it seems to qualify as a "hard time".

And post-it-notes or not it's a painful pill to swallow.

Then it was supper time. And my blessings started piling up in front of me. Hearty, homemade turkey soup. Crackers that I had made from scratch and everyone was enjoying. Cheese and coleslaw. Tea and warm light. Healthy and safe loved ones. The furnace kicking in without anyone having to split wood or throw a log on the fire....pumpkin pie waiting to be enjoyed.....

Made me think of a verse in the Bible....

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
thought the olive crop fails, and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen, and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Saviour"

And I figured I could still count my blessings. What's a bit of snow, frozen or melted? We still have food on our table and loved ones to share it with.

Of course I had to look that verse up cause I wasn't exactly sure where it was.....turns out good, ol' Habakkuk said that....and the verse following it was what I really needed.....

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights."

Heights sound good. Certainly better than this rut I've been in for too long.

Going to start listening to my post-it-notes.... "I trust you, Jesus - My Sovereign Lord and my strength"

Now I gotta do the dishes.
But don't worry there is a note over my sink too :)

It's Just a Bad Connection

Circumstantial depression. It's what you get when you are in situations that are way stressful and you have no power to change them. I had it. Had it real good.

Turns out circumstantial depression can follow you around. Who knew?!

I was depressed because of circumstances I was in. Well..... if you take all 43 years of my life and divide it by the number of circumstances I've had....well, I've had a lot. But the last couple years seemed to have a few more than usual and it really got me down. I was losing hope. Real fast.

Then my husband got a new job and we were given the chance to move to a brand new place and away from most of those "circumstances"! I thought I had it made! This new life was going to be so great!!

Haha. That was a funny joke. What a punch line.

It was a punch alright. Right to the gut.

Cause maybe you already know this. But there are circumstances everywhere. Yep, should of saw that coming.

Doesn't really matter what mine are.  We all got a set of our own. You got a set. I got a set. They say that if all our troubles were to be boxed up and put into a room and we had the chance to pick out any set of troubles, we would always pick our own back out. Maybe we would. After all known fears are better than unknown ones.

But today I wasn't so sure. I was pretty sure that if I could pick a different box.....there would be no wet basements and depression in it.

And I told God so this morning in my quiet time with Him. Told him a lot of things. Like the fact that I didn't really want to have a quiet time with Him today.  Mentioned that He calls himself my Provider and I don't really feel provided for. Wrote down, in ink, cause I write out my prayers... "life sucks and I am not sure why He bothered to speak it all into existence". Reminded Him that I have been following him for over thirty years now and if this is the best I could become, well, it wasn't much. Got too much attitude to be bringing Him any glory. Said I don't really get the point of it all.

I cried too. A lot.

And when I was done crying. I listened for a bit.

He said some nice things about me. Phft! Like I believed that!

He told me that I am complete in Him. Ha! Whatever.

He said He has everything I need for today. Really?

I said "It's too late, that the day was already messed ....that it had a bad start. Look at how I had been talking to Him for goodness-sake".

He said that was OK. That we just had a "bad connection". That His LOVE, JOY, PEACE, GENTLENESS, PATIENCE, GRACE, ACCEPTANCE, STRENGTH, WISDOM and HELP had never stopped "airing". It was just that the troubles of life had caused some static...our connection had been bad.  I just needed to re-tune in.

Bad connection you say? Static you say? Yeah, I was hearing that ole static loud and clear. What did He say about re-tuning in? That's all I gotta do?

Oh.

Alright, I can do that. I can re-tune in. For today. Well, for this morning. Or for this hour if need be......most likely I'll have to re-tune in again this afternoon. But that's OK. God is still going to be there "airing"  the best station EVER!

So, I thanked Him for being a big enough God to be able to listen to me gripe. For still loving me in spite of it. For continuing to encourage and lift me up....even though my un-grateful bee-hind don't deserve it.

And this is why I follow after this God. He's got my back. Always has.
And He has this AWESOME promise that I hold on to....this leaky, sieve that I call home isn't my forever home. This "circumstantial crap" that is life is just a wee blip in eternity. I have my real home waiting for me in heaven. The best part is God promises that it comes "trouble-free".

Already that's something I am willing to wait for.........

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be anymore pain: for the former things are passed away...." Revelation 21:4

In the mean time there is bread to make, Christmas baking to do, rugs to vacuum, toilets to scrub...

See ya later. I'm re-tuning in.

Hope you hear God's LOVE, JOY and PEACE loud-and-clear today too! Just gotta tune in that's all!

In the Everyday

Dreaming. Always dreaming.  That's me. Always thinking of things I could do with my life.
There are too many to pick from. Sigh.

There are many ways a person is brought to faith. Many things that help people come to an understanding and complete belief that the fantastic claims the Bible makes are true.

Like this one..... "And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died" Genesis 5:27

The claim that Methuselah died is not a fantastic one. After all death happens to the best of us. It's the number of days that came between his birth and last breath that is a bit hard to believe.

I can believe it for a number of scientific reasons. The earth was still young, hadn't been abused and polluted much. Humans were still close to being genetically pure. Good Ole Methuselah wasn't eating MacDonalds or Twinkies (he would have made a fantastic spokes-person for the organic/health organizations)

I can believe it for spiritual reasons. Cause God says so for starters.  Then there is the fact that we were made in God's image. God doesn't die. It was only sin that seemed to bring a death sentence on us. We are spiritual beings that will live forever.

How do I know that for sure?  I just believe it..... in my gut.

And for the simple fact that seventy to eighty years just isn't long enough to get all the things done that I want to do.  We weren't created to muddle around for less then a century in which we get to only master one or two things and even at that spend a portion of our brief life wearing diapers and rubbing ointments on aching joints.

Don't get me wrong. I have no desire to live longer than the allotted "three score and ten years".....not on this old suffering world anyway, but I am looking forward to spending the rest of my countless years in eternity with my Creator.

I am not sure how heaven is going to look...actually I haven't the faintest clue..... but that doesn't stop me from believing in it and looking forward to it.

So, how does one bring the two worlds together. The dreams of "What I could do" and the Everyday of what needs to be done......

I am not a pro at it yet but I am learning. Learning to trust God with the every-days and the "could be's".  I only want to do what He has for me to do. And for now most days it's dishes and laundry and I am actually becoming OK with that.

On those days when the day dreaming goes wild and I imagine orphanages or tea shops, farms and careers, book writing or Chef? the every day brings me back..... back to home ...the here and now and the age old question...."What do you want me to do with my life Lord? is answered...

"The dishes. It's time to do the dishes"

And I look, and behold the command is true and vital! Cause hence on yonder counter-top is a heap of unwashed pots, pans and utensils. Oh, glory be!!

And at once my life has meaning. It has purpose. I have a goal. Clean those wonderful dishes that God provided and when I wonder what is next....there is always so much to pick from!

Laundry, mending, ironing, school with the children, dusting and mopping, a friend for tea, phone calls, bills to be payed and organized, emails to check or write, can't forget that toilet that needs scrubbing. A quiet time with God, that's important! What about grocery shopping and the meals to dirty those plates again!? There's yard work and exercise. Library books to be read and returned. Movie or game? Beds to make. People to hug. Goodness, blogs to write!!

And so it is in the every day that I find purpose.

After all someone needs to do those dishes. Why not me!?

And come to think of it.... why not one of my children?

So I call out....."I need someone who knows how to use a t-towel! Reuuuuubennnn? Addddinaaaaaa?"

Come find a life purpose with your mother.  Come learn to serve.
After all we all like to be served. And someone has to do it.

Why not me? Why not you?

No complaining either. You could have been born Methuselah, he dirtied (and most likely washed) dishes for close to a thousand years!! :) Buck up, you'll be doing good if you make it to one hundred!

Real Life?

Read a quote today that prompted me to get pencil and paper out.

"Our task is to say a holy yes to the real things of our life as they exist." ~ N. Goldberg

I started listing the "real" things my life consists of at the moment...things that I haven't been outright resisting but haven't been embracing with a "Yes!" either.

The list seems long.

And depressing.

There are far too many things I must accept.... even though "I NO likey!"
It isn't fair and I have to say "Yes"!?!

It's worth a try I guess. Up till now all the wishing-in-the-world it was different.... hasn't made it so.

Time to try something different.
Change is good for us.

This is real life. Everyone has one. Mine is no less or more perfect than anyone else's.

As long as we live on this planet LIFE will be a big dose of PAIN with some JOYS stirred in and sprinkled on top....if you are looking for the sprinkles you'll find them.

Life hurts. But this isn't my forever life. The sprinkles of JOY that I find among the pain is just little glimpses of my REAL, real life....... that is coming.

I think saying "Yes" to the pain means I will accept that life on this broken, sinful planet means I can't make it perfect and painless, no matter how hard I try. But that doesn't mean I have to focus on the pain...I must search for the "sprinkles of JOY", cause there's some every day, (if I am looking).... savor them when they're found...be grateful for them and thank GOD that they are just a taste of the real LIFE that I have in HIM.

Dear Lord,
This is my life.
You allowed it.
It must be ok then.
Help me believe that it is.
Help me say "Yes" to the real things.
And remind me to stop struggling to change it all.
Show me "sprinkles of JOY" that You have for today
Remind me that they are just glimpses into "forever"
Please help me in this "real" life to find....
Contentment among the imperfect
Gratitude among the sickness
Patience among the sorrow
JOY among the broken
Peace among the pain.
It is for Your Glory
That I ask this in
Jesus beautiful
name. Amen

One Very Small Jewel

It’s all being taken away.
The things I used to do.
To be accepted and loved.
The things that became who I was.
The works. Stripped away.
And now I see a future fire.
Burning the dross.
Burning the things that I did for Him.
Burning and burning.
All the things that Me, Myself and I did.
Was it really for Him? Or was it for me?
For acceptance. For approval. For love.
Not for His. But from others.
It’s all going to be lit on fire one day and I start to worry….
“Will anything survive?” Will there be any jewels left for His crown?”
I can’t be sure what will be left.
Cause motives are always so mixed.
Life is so jumbled. Pain and sin it’s in everything.
It can’t be escaped. Not yet.
One day, yes. But not today.
And so I do not know how many of my acts will survive the flames.
But I do know of one that will.
It’ll be there after the fire subsides.
Something small, shining from among the ashes.
Because of grace.
At least one small gem to offer.
Wonderful, beautiful grace.
Without it I would not have even this one small jewel to give my King.
My Lord, Saviour and Father.
It’s the one thing that is surviving the fires in the-here-and-now.
The one thing that remains even when all else is being stripped away.
Sometimes it is very weak.
Sometimes it is demanding to be heard.
But it is always there.

Belief.

I believe.

Sometimes that is all I can do.
Some days there is only enough strength to do just that.

Believe.

Christ does all the rest any ways.
All the fruit.
It’s all His.
Who am I trying to fool?
The love, joy, peace, gentleness, patience, kindness, and self control.
Those are His acts, not mine.
And when the telling fires die down, if any jewels are left among the ashes.
They will all be His.
Cause you and I both know that they aren't there because of me.
And I will give them back to Him
And the tiny gem, that is my belief,  I'll give that to Him as well.
And I’ll thank Him especially for that one.
Cause without grace. Without mercy.
That jewel, no matter how small, would never shine.
Grace. Grace.
God’s Amazing Grace.
It would all be fire and brimstone without it.
And I am thankful.
It may be a small thankfulness at times.

But it is enough.

Thank you, Lord Jesus.